Attention, Walmart Shoppers

Talk about missing a cerebral cortex.  Jacquetta Simmons, 26, punched 70 year-old Walmart greeter, Grace Suozzi, in the face after the Walmart employee asked to see a copy of Simmons’ sales receipt upon exiting the New York store with some purchases.  Rather than produce the receipt, as one with a fully developed and functioning hypothalamus would do, Simmons, who is built like Muhammed Ali in his prime fighting days, punched the Walmart employee in the face and fled.

The good Samaritan shoppers and employees followed her and surrounded her until the police arrived.  Hopefully, she won’t get help from Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton because I don’t think I could stand for another round of tales of oppression, discrimination and racism when I have my own problems and a crazy bank to contend with.

Maybe I should be shock-proof after all these years of teaching and living in a big city, but I am not.  Though some of the postings on the message boards indicate what I have been thinking all along; that we are just too easy and soft.

Susan C Mulrooney Eagle wrote, and I’m quoting verbatim because if I wrote something like this, I’d expect someone to confiscate my computer.

“For the record Walmart’s police on asking to see your receipt is VOLUNTARY per corporate, I had a similar situation at a local Walmart I was asked to see my receipt I politely refused and started towards the dor I was then assaulted by the Walmart Greeter I showed great restraint in not assaulting her back the video tape was revied by the  store manager, corporates attorneys and the employee was terminated.  If you have no problem being accused everytime you go into a wa Walmart then go ahead stop & show your receipt to the greeter.”

Perhaps Miss Mulrooney should shop online if she can’t abide by the store’s policies and make more room for the rest of us who understand the reasons behind them.

Or this little ditty from Danielgomez4:

“If you paid for it its yours it don’t belong to walmart anymore I never show my receipts anymore an if you touch me your asking for it you could get maced or hurt so if walmart wants to see a receipt you need to arrest them.”

Yeah, arrest them.  What a grand idea.  If he had spent half as much time paying attention in school as he did posting on message boards, then he may be able to write better than the average kindergartner.

And Sultry wrote:

“If a shopping trip or social outing turned to people making false accusations against me, I would let my lawyers throw a knock out punch in court.”

Are you referring to the defense lawyers the state assigned for criminal court?

Many others tried turning it into a discrimination issue, which it is.  Simmons, who is black, discriminated with a white woman old enough to be her grandmother and who is probably working at the only job she could get because she needs the money.

Hopefully, some smart and ethical lawyer will come knocking on Grace Suozzi’s door so she can sue both Simmons and the store.  And maybe Walmart will smarten up and hire beefy security guards or veterans to stand at the door.  As for me, I’m going to start a petition to send the zombies and cretins to Somalia or to some other war zone to gight the enemy.  That ought to make the rebels retreat real quickly.  If it doesn’t pass, I’ll move there myself.  It might be saner.

The Holiday Shoppers’ Survival Guide

Even though I taught for many years, that doesn’t mean I have the courage to venture out on Black Friday, or on most other days during the holiday shopping season, either for that matter.  Maybe it’s my age, maybe it’s from reading too many Huffington Post crime articles online, but there’s just too much that could go wrong.  I could battle for a parking space like my car and I are pieces on a “Battleship” game.  I could forget where I parked it and wander to and fro searching for the nondescript Toyota for hours, or I could end up in a nosedive with another shopper as we both go for the last item on display.

And with this year’s crop of subversives like the Walmart shopper with the pepper spray, the near Waffle Iron Riot and the mall shooting.  I’d rather watch endless loops of “Roseanne” with electrodes glued to my head.  But for those who must venture out, I have created the “Holiday Shoppers’ Survival Guide.”

Pre-Shopping Prep:  Planning for the event starts in May or June when most merchants start eyeballing their holiday decorations.  After drinking some protein shakes, start with jogging around the mall and around the aisles.  It should be well under way in August when the first store hangs its first ornament and tree.  You may want to take ballet to learn about leaps, twirl jetes, port de bras and other moves in order to snare that first toy or even a waffle iron before twirling and leaping back before security descends upon you.  It may also help to take Krav Maga, Jiu Jitsu or any other self-defense program to deal with anyone who wants to put you in a half Nelson or to get yourself out of one.

Self Defense

Attire:  Dress is important all year round but no more so than during Black Friday and other days in the holiday shopping season.  For extra heavy shopping days, invest in army gear with a gas mask, to have protection against any copycat pepper spray incidents.  Women may don stilettos, though I recommend army boots or sturdy jogging shoes for quick exits from seamy characters or events.

Military Attire

Transportation:  Before venturing out, I recommend renting an army tank, if you don’t already have one.  Making turns and parallel parking may be a little hard at first, but it will almost guarantee you a parking space or two, and will keep other drivers at bay because they know that you can always roll over them.

Sherman Tank

Defensive Measures:  Being hauled away in a black and white shouldn’t a problem so long as you obey all turn signals, say please and thank you and are doing your best to bolster our sagging economy.