Archive for the ‘capitol punishment’ Category


What this world needs is not love, sweet love, but a meteor with a GPS system programmed for certain people and neighborhoods. If that can’t be arranged, then we need to bring back the idea of consequences. (Con’se’quences, n. to put the kibosh on those who have been nasty, rude, unseemly or utterly obnoxious, pg. 65 in the “Saunders’ Dictionary of Favorite Rants.”

But since most consequences have been lifted from state government from sea to shining sea, here are some for the more unsavory crimes.

1. Littering: The severity of the punishment will depend of the severity of the refuse. Kleenex and gum wrappers… lose a fingernail, even an acrylic one. Fast food wrappers… the nail and a finger or two. Beer bottles, broken or otherwise… several fingers and an eye, for having bad beer breath, a beer belly and for putting humans and animals in danger with the broken glass.  Used condoms… (Don’t even get me started) the dangly bit, for being rude and unsanitary.  

2. Stealing: Removal of the offending appendage. For regular bank robbers, cut off a hand or one of the feet they used to get there. The same for grand theft auto. For bank robbers with masks, glue the mask to their faces with airplane glue as well. (The exception being a mother stealing food to feed her children, though this doesn’t apply to those who just don’t feel like paying for it.)

3. Housing Fraud: Refusing to pay rent or mortgage but having money for trips, cruises, Disneyworld and parties. Make them live in a cardboard box along the freeway or put them on latrine duty at a football game.

4. Sexual assault: Lop off the offending appendage. No questions asked and no pain killers or anything nice.

5. Murder: Do onto them as they did onto others, the exception being self-defense when approached by a barbarian. It may not be nice, but we are not talking about nice. We are talking about an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. That don’t mean that the whole world will be blind and toothless, for heaven’s sake. That is a line from a movie, not a practice for from real life.

6. Drugs that cause people to do these things: Give them enough of the stuff to knock them out, permanent like.

7. Illegal Immigration: Have them crawl back to where they came from, and for heaven’s sake, don’t let them take part in medical care, and government sponsored programs like a free education. And don’t do what Governor Brown did by allowing kids of illegal aliens to get free student loans for college, mama mia and carumba!

8. Driving without a license: Impound the car then sell it at an auction while the ne’er-do-well watches.

9. Filching Money from a Charity: Make them live in the conditions of people they are supposed to be helping.

10. Animal and Child Abuse: All of the above.

11. Cell phone Abuse: The culprits should lose the phone down their throats as I don’t want to hear about your search for the perfect garage door opener or screenplay when I have problems of my own.

Once when I was in my modeling phase, I was in the office of a photographer with a bad roving eye. When he asked me to go topless, a picture of my father with a grimace on his face crossed my eyes, so I declined and left. A more scrupulous photographer I met during my short-lived acting phase said he imagined his father chasing him around the room when he was about to veer too far off course. But now we need these remedies for parents who think that their children can do no wrong even after having a rap sheet that is longer than the Nile, for heaven’s sake.