Why Some People Are Single

My newest rule of survival is that any man over 55 that hasn’t been married or in a relationship probably has a good reason why. However, informal research (or the kind where I randomly ask people) has shown that their reasons fall into one of these categories.  They are:

1.) Men who hate women,

2.)  Men who are narcissists and therefore don’t know that women exist,

3.) Men who think they are gorgeous and that women are accessories like great whitewall tires,

4.) Men who turn senile early and think they are gorgeous and

5.) Those who are attached to their mothers.

Let’s take two choice specimens. Bachelor Number One, the Narcissist, is the kind that keeps dating sites afloat with his monthly memberships. Although he has enough hair sprouting from his ears and nostrils to fashion a small wig, he still describes himself as being handsome, debonair and a good catch, too.

His explanation for his bachelor state is that he hasn’t found the right one. But methinks otherwise. After all, we all have warts, bunions and spider veins,  and the “right one” is a relative term. No, he hasn’t found the right one because he isn’t the right one.

I perused his profile, and there’s enough talk of candlelit dinners and waves rushing against the shore to even give best-selling romance novelist, Barbara Cartland, an insulin spike. He talks about being totally in love (insulin-o-meter on the rise) looking for a woman who is as beautiful on the inside as on the outside (insulin-o-meter reaching mid-level heights) and holding hands at the beach while gazing into each other’s eyes (insulin-o-meter busted).

Alas, he is the kind who would get hypothermia after spending an evening at the beach and need some bed rest after all that ocean air. He is nice enough when he gets his own way, but will often resort to swearing and screaming when he doesn’t. A catch he is not.

Unlike his counterpart, Bachelor Number Two does not hate women, although he wouldn’t write about the waves at the ocean unless it was for a marine biology class. In fact, he not only steers clear of dating sites but couldn’t even name one on Jeopardy. So nothing about frolicking in the sand, holding hands and laughing at the beach for this one. That’s because he’s already taken, by mama.

The Mama’s Boy knows that there are women roaming the planet and has seen the “His” and “Hers” signs on public restrooms, but that’s about it. Because he’s already been spoken for in heart and soul, he will let himself go style-wise and grooming-wise.  A nice man he usually is, but he can also set a woman’s teeth on edge.  

Bachelor Number Three, the Clueless One, approaches every date as if he were a CIA agent.  He will pose personal questions and pursue his object of desire relentlessly, even if she shows about as much interest in him as an artichoke.

One Clueless One used to leave notes on women’s cars in the parking lot at work asking for dates even after they expressed no interest in him in person.  Needless to say, he wasn’t long for the job.  Another inquires about the longest relationship fifteen minutes into the first date, and a third presents a monologue about himself.  An artichoke would be a better match.      

They may have something to do with how over 50% of the population came to be single.