When you see us women, I have some tips for you, sort of a do’s and don’ts primer for attracting members of the opposite sex.
One, when you see a woman, unless she is a dietitian, doctor or working for the Visiting Nurse’s Association, don’t tell us about your body functions or how they are moseying along.
If you have a gas problem or walk around in the buff, we don’t want to hear about it especially if we’ve haven’t even had the time to learn your middle name. There are points of your biology we do not want to know, as it takes away the mystique.
Second, we don’t want to hear about your latest surgery if you are under 80, what they took out, modified or put back in if we could barely pick you out in a police line up.
Third, dental work. By this, I mean more than regular brushing and flossing and twice-yearly trips to the dentist. You must have the correct number of teeth in your mouth. If you have implants and other dental devices to lessen gaps and crevices, by all means wear them. AND WHEN YOU SEE A WOMAN YOU ARE ACQUAINTED WITH, DON’T WALK UP TO HER, REVEAL WHAT YOU ARE MISSING AND LAUNCH INTO AN EXPLANATION OF WHAT HAPPENED, unless you are talking to your dental professional.
If you can get through this, then other relationship hurdles may not be so far off. ‘Til then, I’ll be waiting nearby with a bottle of aspirin.