Home > humor, general nuttiness > A Recipe for President

A Recipe for President

If Michele Bachman becomes president, I’m going to handcuff myself to a flagpole outside of Fox News. And I am a Republican, too, but not a crazy, Bible toting, gun-slinging one. I am a normal one, the kind that wants to see lawns trimmed, street art gone, people here legally, the drainpipe fixed and the Pledge of Allegiance restored.

That is why I am not exactly for Ron Paul and not at all for Michele Bachmann. I couldn’t handle the tumult, though her comment about John Wayne Gacy was pretty funny when she confused their birthplaces.

Perusing their websites, one can see that many of their policies are nearly identical. Both oppose abortion, both go for drilling for oil on our shores instead of making people rich overseas and both want to limit government spending.

But some of these are things up with which we should not put, even if the Republicans aren’t afraid of Ron Paul because they don’t plan on nominating him. Therefore, here is my mix of an ideal person to run this country be it man, woman or something in between.

One, this person should look presentable; therefore no goatees, be it a man or a woman, or tattoos. They are fine for truck drivers or for the stage, but that’s about it. Nice haircuts, a minimum of Botox, knee length dresses (for the women only) and nicely pressed shirts would be just fine. (No polyester, American-grown fibers, on principle alone.)

Second, this person would need to have the following views:

Abortion. I know that life is precious, especially when it is my own hide, but I don’t agree that every fricken life is precious but think that some people are pretty good arguments for birth control. Idi Amin is one, Osama bin Laden is another, but Hitler takes the cake.

Also, asking some people to keep children that they have no intention of raising isn’t fair to the child, unless those who are so opposed to abortion would like to raise them, feed and clothe them and send the little buggers to school.

Energy. Oil is fine as little fossils, but it has also gotten us into trouble above ground, so the less of it the better. Ron Paul is right on giving tax breaks to those who use alternate energy sources, and he gets points in my book for that. I don’t think that Michele Bachman has thought far enough ahead about it, at least not according to her website.

Jobs: Both are opposed to unions because the organizations raked in a hefty 8-billion dollars a year. As a former union member myself, I have seen the good and the not-so-good that they can do, so my position would be to go after the union dues and make joining optional rather than mandatory and hope that no potential member winds up wearing cement boots for politely declining an invite.

Both want to create jobs like any good candidate. Bachmann thinks that lowering business taxes would create more jobs, but methinks that giving breaks to companies that create jobs is the best way to go.

Immigration: Hallelujah to Ron Paul for wanting to tweak the Fourteenth Amendment, which in so many words, says that those of reproductive age (or older than twelve) who are here illegally start popping out kids in this country, then those kids shouldn’t become citizens automatically. I don’t know what they should be, but it makes sense to me.

Bachmann agrees, but she doesn’t go into much detail, so maybe she is just being secretive.

One area where Ron Paul hits the booby mine is in his foreign policy, meaning that he doesn’t have one. He thinks that Iran should have nuclear weapons and that other countries should duke it out.

To which Michele Bachman would crook a brow and say “Whaaaat?”

The best approach would be to fuse parts of them together with some Ralph Nader, Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln thrown in.

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  1. August 16, 2011 at 4:09 am

    super website carry on.

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