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My One PSA and Food


Sometimes you have to perform a public service.  Today is my day.  This one is about body type diets, healthy eating and how you metabolize food.

According to Dr. Abravanel, there are four major ways for women, though it is three for men because they don’t have gonads.  

Type One:  The Thyroid Type. 

This type mainly metabolizes food via the thyroid gland while leaving the other glands to fend for themselves.   

You will know you are a thyroid type if:  

you love to snack and nosh

you have never met a carbohydrate that you didn’t like. 

and if you resemble a pair walking down the street or have developed an unsightly spare time.      

And most people who have had thyroid dysfunctions are thyroid types.

Type Two:  The Adrenal Type. 

You will know you are an adrenal type if: 

You are a workaholic

You crave meat and salts and love your liquor

You like your Manhattans neat and your bourbon straight up among other liquors, and

You have a square, muscular frame but little by way of a good, solid bottom

Type Three:  The Pituitary Type 

This type got its name from being the gland at the base of the brain.  You are a pituitary type if:

You crave dairy products.  In fact, where most people consider cottage cheese a diet food, it falls on your top ten list of all time wonderful foods. 

Your head is too big for your body,

You are eternally young looking, and

Your bulges don’t discriminate but show up all over your body. 

Type Four:  The gonadal Type 

It is only about women only because men are not blessed with gonads 

Look for the following clues: 

You never met a vat of butter, sauce, cream or a French fry that you didn’t like. 

You hate eating breakfast but love eating late a night

And you have extra junk in your trunk.

The best way out is to eat healthy enough to tweak your other glands, exercise and do the opposite of what you’ve been doing.  For example, if you are a Gonadal Type, then you need to eat breakfast though not with the foods you crave, but with a single, whole plum.  If you are a Thyroid Type, then you need to stop the nosh, go x-nay on the sweets and load up on the proteins and vegetables.  And if you are an Adrenal Type, then you need to start the nosh and stop lifting weights and take up yoga or ballet. 

It’s all about balance, kiddos.  But then, isn’t life once you really get down to it?    Or you could just go out and buy “Dr. Abravanel’s Body Type and Diet Book.” 

Thank you, amen, over and out.  End of PSA.

  1. April 11, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    What type are you if you eat only trayf?

    • April 11, 2011 at 8:15 pm

      You know, I almost put this in my spam folder, or is it ham?

      • April 11, 2011 at 9:49 pm

        A distinction without a difference. Spam is effectively ham.

        But to go for the joke I’d say:
        Adrenal, Thyroid, Pituitary, Gonadal and Trayf.

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